If you’re someone who deals with social anxiety, I’ve got some good news for you: there’s a book that will help you. It’s Dr. Ellen Hendriksen’s How To Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety.
I don’t even have social anxiety and I found this book to be helpful. I’m usually a skeptic when it comes to self-help books, but I found this one to be easy to read, funny, and full of practical ideas and exercises to help people overcome social anxiety. I’ve already started using some of Dr. Hendriksen’s ideas in my own practice.
What is social anxiety?
In general, social anxiety is the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by others. Google “do I have social anxiety?” and you’ll find some quick, fairly accurate assessments you can take to determine if you live with social anxiety.
Social anxiety often occurs in these situations:
- Talking to strangers
- Speaking in public
- Dating
- Making eye contact
- Entering rooms
- Using public restrooms
- Going to parties
- Eating in front of other people
- Going to school or work
- Starting conversations
How can I overcome my social anxiety?
How To Be Yourself has some great ideas on how you can significantly reduce your worry around social situations. Here are a few examples. I encourage you to read the book, though, to dig into these techniques more.
Think different
Hendriksen talks a lot about the Inner Critic most of us have in our heads, that voice that is constantly criticizing and yakking away about how we could have done something better or warning us about how awful a social situation is going to be. She recommends challenging the Critic in the following ways:
1. Specify, specify, specify
Anxiety is often vague: “Everyone will think I’m weird.” When we have this kind of thought, just about anything can be read into it, which only serves to amp up our anxiety.
To specify, we ask our Critic, “Who exactly is going to think I’m weird?” When the answer is, “The grocery cashier will think I’m weird when I fumble with my credit card,” thenwe have something to work with in the next steps.
2. Ask, How bad would that really be?
If the grocery cashier actually thinks you’re weird, is that a catastrophe? Is it the end of the world? Or is it just uncomfortable?
3. Ask, What are the odds?
How likely is it that the cashier is going to think you’re weird if you fumble with your credit card? How many people per day does she see do this? Does she even care? Is she actually watching you with your credit card?
4. Ask, How can I cope?
You’ve coped with a lot of difficult situations in your life. If you get embarrassed, what can you do to cope? Will you use the realistic side of your brain (away from the Inner Critic!) and remember that embarrassment is just a feeling and is not going to kill you? Talk to a friend about feeling embarrassed? Journal about it?
You’ve made yourself okay before and you can do it again.
Do the thing you fear and your confidence will catch up
We all have this idea that we need to be confident before we try a scary social thing.
There’s a problem with that idea, though: It’s backwards.
Actually doing and practicing the thing we fear will build the confidence we’re looking for. Not doing the thing we fear while waiting to be “ready” will just make the thing scarier.
Bust the four myths of social anxiety
1. I must always monitor myself and my anxiety.
The short version: no, you don’t. As a matter of fact, looking inward makes you focus on your anxiety, where learning to focus outward brings you into the present moment and makes your anxiety more manageable.
2. How I feel is how I look.
I remember as a young grad student being terrified to give presentations in class. One day after I had sweated my way through a presentation, I confided to my friend how nervous I’d been.
“Really?” she asked, surprised, “You didn’t look nervous.”
From then on I was able to do presentations with only a little bit of anxiety. I had equated how I felt with how I must look and was fearful that my classmates were judging me because of how I looked while presenting.
How you feel does not equal how you look.
3. People will judge me.
Hendriksen says this myth is due to the spotlight effect which is when we overestimate how much others are paying attention to what we’re doing or how we appear.
Again, the short version: they’re not.
Think of how much you pay attention to what other people are doing. Not so much, huh?
4. I have to perform perfectly.
Perfectionism. There are whole books written just on this topic alone.
Perfectionism is the fear that we’ll never be good enough. This causes us to strive for standards that are impossible to reach which then causes more self-judgment and . . . we end up in a vicious cycle.
One of the keys to busting this internal myth is to do what Hendrikesen calls positive striving. This is a healthy way to still hold high standards and work toward them but without the impossibility of perfectionism.
Get the book!
This is just a snippet of the treasures that can be found in How To Be Yourself. Hendriksen is funny, knowledgeable, and a social anxiety sufferer herself so she knows whereof she speaks.
If you’re dealing with social anxiety, do yourself a favor and pick up a version of How To Be Yourself. It’s available in audio, Kindle, hardcover, and paperback so you have no excuse not to get it!
Enjoy your life by being yourself!
Susan David says
These are some really great points that you have mentioned here! I was also been facing severe social anxiety but I recently got in touch with Kathy McKnight, who is a self development coach. She has helped me a lot to overcome my mental barriers and gain a new perspective on life to develop as a person.
https://kathymcknightinc.com/limiting-beliefs-and-the-best-ways-to-overcome-them/
Sophia William says
These are some really great points that you have highlighted! I believe that we all should be a little considerate towards each other as we don’t know what the other person is going through. I also have anxiety and now I have started taking remote therapy from Sprout Family Clinics. I must admit that my mental health has started improving.
https://www.sproutfamilyclinics.com/blog-post/2023/2/17/the-importance-of-setting-personal-goals-for-your-mental-well-being
Josef says
Coping with anxiety can be challenging, but there are effective strategies that can help alleviate symptoms. These include practicing relaxation techniques, seeking support from loved ones or a mental health professional, staying physically active, and engaging in enjoyable activities.
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cnscenteraz says
Having self awareness is key. Everyone gets anxious in social situations at some point, it’s normal. But it’s all in your head. You’re not as important as you think, that’s the reality.
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