Falling Flat With A Thud
Posted on | October 18, 2010 | 1 Comment
I really like this theme of bounce. I like the image of a ball bouncing along its path, sometimes hitting something hard, yet bouncing back up into the air, free. However, as I’ve been writing these blogs, I realize that I have been talking mostly about people who have bounced back up after hitting a hard spot. And they seem to do it quickly. Although I know we all have the capacity to be resilient, sometimes bouncing back up takes a long time.
I played basketball when I was younger and occasionally even now I enjoy going out and shooting some baskets. I love the feel of the leather and the springy sound of the ball as it hits the pavement and jumps into my waiting hands. If I haven’t played for awhile, though, sometimes I get the ball out of the garage and when I push it down for that first eagerly-anticipated bounce, it produces a dull thud and lies there on the pavement. No air. The ball is totally flat.
Life can be like that, too. Several years ago, after my partner died, I felt as though all the air had been sucked out of me. The joyful life I had led with her had suddenly gone flat. And I could not get back up. For a long time.
I tried to pump myself with air by resting frequently, talking with loving friends, and working on the little house that I loved. My bounce would come back for awhile, but it was kind of like a ball that’s not quite full of air. You bounce it hard at first and it jumps up to the right spot but then slowly the bounces get lower and lower and lower until the ball is flat on the pavement again. It just seemed like I would never get my bounce back. I had no idea grief would be that hard.
To be honest, it’s taken me several years to get my bounce back. And occasionally I still feel like I’ve lost some air and am just dribbling along the ground. But now I know that I will get pumped up again. With the perspective of years, I have a better idea of how to fill myself with air. I know I still need rest, loving friends, and lots of new projects to stimulate me, but most of all, I need the patience to know that sometimes it just takes time to get filled back up and be able to bounce again.
I hope that you are not at a flat spot in your life. But if you are, try not to judge where you are right now. It’s just a part of life. To slowly start pumping yourself up, talk with people who have walked your same path. And remember that it may take time, but someday you’ll bounce up into the air again, free.
Raindrop Resiliency
Posted on | October 13, 2010 | 2 Comments
So, it turns out I like Facebook. I didn’t think I would, but it’s fun to reconnect with high school classmates and keep up with family members across the country. And, sometimes the posts give me some good fodder for my blog.
For example, my friend, Lori, up in Washington State posted, “So I did me some talkin’ to the sun, and I said I didn’t like the way he got things done, sleepin’ on the job, NO!…” Being a Washington native myself, I immediately knew what she was talking about without even asking her: It was the Nth day in a row of gray, rainy skies and she was tired of it. I smiled and continued looking at the other posts, then left my computer to tend to other tasks.
But the familiar tune of Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head got stuck in my mind. I hummed it absentmindedly as I washed the dishes and then started to softly sing the lyrics. Wait a minute, I thought to myself, becoming conscious of what I was singing. What were those words?
The first couple of verses talk about being down:
Raindrops keep falling on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin’ seems to fit
Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling
So I just did me some talking to the sun
And I said I didn’t like the way he got things done,
Sleepin’ on the job
Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling
Then, anthem-like, the singer describes the attitude I’ve heard from so many resilient people:
But there’s one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won’t defeat me
It won’t be long ‘til happiness steps up to greet me
Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turnin’ red
Crying’s not for me
‘Cause I’m never gonna stop the rain by complaining
Because I’m free
Nothing’s worrying me
I love these last two verses! I like the way the singer defiantly says that, although life has its setbacks, he knows that, if he waits long enough, things will get back to normal and he’ll even be happy again. But more than that, he says in the last verse, complaining about setbacks isn’t going to get him anywhere. Instead, he remembers that he’s free to choose his own reactions and his own way of being.
Raindrops will always fall on our heads. (Especially if you’re in Washington.) Will we complain to the sun about it, or remember that we’re free to see the rain as vital to our own growth?
By the way, is the song stuck in your head now? Good.
Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head, lyrics by Burt Bacharach, 1969
Gaining Perspective
Posted on | October 6, 2010 | 2 Comments
I really believe that part of being resilient is learning to get perspective. To get a different perspective, actually. My client who is struggling with the recent death of her mother feels guilty because she would have spent more time with her mother if she had known when her mother was going to die. Her perspective currently is through the filter of extreme grief where, because she knows now when her mother died, she feels that she would have, should have, could have done more. In awhile, after time has passed, she’ll gain a new perspective. She will realize that she could not have known when her mother was going to die and that she actually had a very are rich and meaningful last few days with her mother.
Many of the people I have talked with who are dealing with financial grief of some sort tell me that perspective has helped them as well. They have found new opportunities after losing a job, a house, or other precious assets. New and more meaningful careers, a simpler lifestyle, and renewed gratitude for life just as it is are some of the gifts born from what seemed to be tragic losses. “I never thought anything good would come from my being unemployed, Bobbi,” one woman told me, “But my relationship with my husband has become so much richer. It’s because we have more time together now!”
Awhile back, I heard an amazing show on Talk of the Nation on NPR. They were talking with people who, because of the poor economy, were in difficult financial circumstances and had to be on food stamps for the first time in their lives. Surprisingly, many of them enjoyed the experience! “I think everyone should have to do it at some time in their lives,” one caller said, “I learned a ton about budgeting, buying healthy foods, and how to cook well.”
One more example: Shortly before my late partner died, I emailed friends and family that she was in a coma. My aunt wrote back and said, “Bobbi, I think Ruth is not in a coma, but a comma. Just a little pause in the journey before she continues on.” This new perspective brought me peace and even some joy as I contemplated Ruth’s “comma” before she passed on to the new part of her journey.
It’s really easy to think that our current perspective is the only one or the true one. But this limits our ability to enjoy new learning opportunities and seeing gifts where we thought there were none. We think a beautiful thing that has become cracked is now ruined. Yet, as Leonard Cohen says, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
I'm Bobbi Emel and my passion is to help you bounce back from life's challenges - the big ones as well as the little ones that trip you up on a daily basis.
